Glad to wake in the morning.

I truly am. Most days.

There are some days I want to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling because if I exit this bed, everything will crash and burn.

I also know that if I don’t get out of bed, I’ll still cry and I will still have a pile of shit to do.

I get up, get dressed, do my skin care routine which honestly makes me feel better along with my make up. I love experimenting and trying new products.

My day tends to go down the further I go into it. No matter if it from work or just having a day off.

Thoughts rattling around always tell me to do more:

More to lose weight.
More to go back to school.
More at work.
More for getting a boyfriend.
More to prevent myself to not die alone.
More to know if I want to be married.
More to know if I want children.
More to figure out how to have an orgasm.
More to actually have an orgasm.
More to figure out why everytime I try to figure out what I sexually and why it hurts when I use a vibrator.
More for being a better person overall.
More writing.
More for actually copywriting my writings.
More for my residents.
More for my family.
More for my friends.
More to move out of my parents house.

Why aren’t you doing more?

I get depressed just thinking about all the things I could be doing and should be doing. I kinda spiral at times especially when I don’t take my medication with the negative thoughts.

I’ve only thought of harming myself once in high school but I haven’t had any other thoughts like that.

Looking at my life objectively it’s great and I wouldn’t deny that. Most people think that people with depression and anxiety are whining and fretting over nothing. One hand, the things I freak out about aren’t too serious like I’m sure other people, but for people with mental illness, we don’t want to be consumed with these thoughts. They’re intrusive and often are made up of what you are most insecure and worried about, couple that with what people you know or don’t know may say or do to you and depression can easily emerge.

Now some people would say that we need to grow a thick skin. This is true for workplace and even some social interactions where people are obnoxious or downright and people do take it personally. But in my case, like I’m sure others, I often get unsolicited “help” or “tips” about losing weight or about not eating certain things. Or about my clothes and what would fit my face, hips and legs. It surprises me how forward people can be when they want to give advise that no body asked for. Who wouldn’t take that personally? Or take personally when advise is given for dating when I asked what TV show you saw last night?

My depression and anxiety has improved over the years but is still there with questions that roll around in my head.

I don’t know if anyone else’s mental health is like this, but this is mine.